• Clare

In which I introduce my ally (Part 2 of 2)

Updated: Jun 12

Yes, this rather suggestive looking contraption is indeed what arrived in the post for the Husband...



Before we start, may I just take this opportunity to remind you of the old adage "never judge a book by its cover". Rest assured, I am not some sort of nymph and this object has absolutely nothing to do with sex. Yes, it resembles many things: an over-elaborate microphone, an ineffective drill, a hairdryer with an extremely odd attachment, not to mention something more unspeakable. Relax, dear friends, it is, in fact, a massage gun. Not one that will lull you into a relaxed state, but one that inflicts unimaginable pain. At best, it could be described as a tickling sensation, at worst it's sheer agony. Anyway, the Husband and I decided to give it a go last night.


Luckily, I had the foresight to suggest that we should try it out downstairs in the living room, for the noises that escaped my mouth would have had the children poking their heads round our bedroom door within minutes, the dog howling next door, and the neighbours claiming public indecency against us. Although the Husband was keen to try this out on himself, he very obligingly allowed me to experience it first. We tested many different attachments: a two headed prong, a rubber bullet, a soft flat disk and a soft curved disk; before eventually settling for the foam ball that resembles a microphone in the attached photo.


I have been suffering with a lot of leg pain and tightness on my recent runs, starting from my gluteus maximus, and heading right down to my ankles. It's been so restrictive. The Husband began by running the massager from the top of my thighs, which would be rather embarrassing if done by a professional, I'd imagine, as the wobbly bits were shaking at a supersonic speed, then methodically down the leg until it reached a knot and I'd cry out in pain. "Sorry, do you want me to stop?" asked the concerned Husband. "No, no; keep working on that bit. It feels like it really needs it!" After a minute or two of pummelling the same spot, he'd edge further down the leg.


He then moved on to the calf. Far less wobbly, but, much more painful. It was a weird kind of pleasure/pain sensation. I wanted him to move on quickly, but I could also feel a gradual release of tension, as he pressed down hard on my poor legs. I wondered to myself if this was how a sadist would feel? After a good twenty minute massage with the implement, it was time for me to return the favour. (No matter how I word this, it seems to sound like an excerpt from a Jilly Cooper novel!)


I knew the Husband, having less body fat than myself and a bigger muscle mass, would find it equally as painful, if not more so. I apologised to him for the pain I was about to inflict (see... nice, caring Wife) and began assaulting his hamstrings with a ferocious speed. I couldn't help but laugh as he yelped out. (Again, I'm not a sadist. I think it was just nervous laughter). After fifteen minutes of giving his ankles, (of all places), a thorough going over, he asked me to move on to his back.


I was slightly apprehensive, as he'd been visiting a local physio of late, and I didn't want to injure him further with my novice application; nor indeed, damage the muscles. At the same time, I knew he was desperate for some relief. He'd even allowed the physio to perform acupuncture on him and he has a debilitating fear of needles. We were both giggling like school children come the end, as his voice vibrated every time he cried out. This somehow eased the severity of the pain I was causing him. Every time I ran the massager over a tender spot, he'd involuntarily flail around like a fish out of water, which only heightened the hilarity.


"So, did it actually work?" I hear you cry. Yes, I believe it did. I went for a run this morning and, although there was still some pain at the tops of my thighs and a small amount in one calf, it definitely felt much easier. My pace improved considerably since my last run, when I had to keep stopping and starting and actually walk some of it. Any runner will tell you that this kind of disruption during a run is less than ideal. You lose all flow; lactic acid builds up quickly in the muscles and you are more likely to struggle to maintain your stamina. Therefore, I'm thoroughly looking forward to another session tonight!


If you missed Part 1, you can find it here.

What experiences have you had with physiotherapists, sports injuries, muscle issues? Have you ever endured the massage gun, or aforementioned foam roller? Let me know by leaving me a comment.


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#massagegun #recovery #running #musclesoreness #gluteusmaximus #hamstring #exercise #sportsinjury #funny #humour #unfiltered #honest #funnyblogposts #funnyblog #funnyblogsite

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