• Clare

In which I ponder the sexiness of John Lewis

Updated: Jul 2, 2020

By this, I mean the Department Store, not a man names John Lewis. Apologies if you are so called...

A couple of weeks ago, I received an email from John Lewis that made me do a double take. This wasn't the John Lewis I knew; our reliable British Department Store. I opened it up and began scrolling. I couldn't believe how highly sexualised it was. I was very taken aback. The images of their wares were stunning; expertly captured. Each item displayed for maximum effect. The simplicity of each one allowing you to truly appreciate the form of the item. And what were they advertising, I hear you ask? Cleaning materials; dustpans, loo roll holders, toilet brushes... I found myself lusting after every item.

I was intrigued; the email had the desired effect and I soon found myself transported to the John Lewis website. I clicked on more products in different departments, and found I wanted it all. I don't need a new washing machine, our current one is only four months old, but I had never been so attracted to white goods in all my life! There is nothing less exciting than a loo brush, but I suddenly had to have the plain white, phallic masterpiece (pictured above) for my own bathroom. My heart was racing and my palms became sweaty. The longer I scrolled through the seemingly endless list of ordinary household items, the more enticed I became. Mrs Hinch would be in her element, I thought!

Having previously found Jesus sandals repulsive, I now fantasised about the Husband wearing them; teaming them with a pair of white sports socks! There is nothing remotely sexy about a nursing bra. I can't say I look back on my days of breastfeeding with much fondness, but this elegant woman almost made me wish I could be back there again. If only I had the fancy grey laced bra (pictured) for £40, then everything would have been different. You probably wouldn't have even noticed the purple stretch marks, and a muffin top poking out from the top of my enormous maternity pants! Hand sanitiser is de rigueur these days, but I've never seen one as posh as the one shown above. It's actually only £6.85; much cheaper than some of the high end gels going for £20 or more!

So, I now spend my evenings reading these emails under the duvet, quickly turning my screen off whenever the Husband approaches. I'm sure he thinks I'm having an affair! He'll probably go through my search history later, and demand to know who John is! So, all that remains, is for me to congratulate the person who is responsible for advertisement, or graphics, or whatever the term is for photography on their website. I guess that's just Head of Photography? You have succeeded in making every single item on that site seductive, and deeply covetable. Well done! Your mission has been achieved. They do say that sex sells, and this is a prime example of that being demonstrated to full effect.

Do you find the John Lewis website sexy, or have I lost my mind? Let me know your thoughts in the comments section below?

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